I’m struggling to know where to begin this post.
Honestly, the first two words might be a good place to start.
Not really like “I’ve sinned” kinda struggle. And somehow deliberately sinning seems easier to admit to than my life right now.
I’ve just kind of pushed God away.
*insert gasp from friends and family*
*insert here comments about how I still post bible verses so I must be ok*
Before I go any further let me say this: I love Jesus, I feel like my faith is still growing.
Yeah, I pushed God away. I pushed Him away in the sense that for about a year I haven’t truly wanted to grow deeper in the Lord, and I haven’t wanted to pray or pursue Him because I was scared of Him saying “no” in my life again.
I’ve been selfish. I’ve even pushed certain friends away because I didn’t want their faith to convict me.
It’s a lot easier for me to rely and trust in God when I am going through difficult seasons, but as soon as I am doing well and find my footing, I feel like God becomes an after-thought.
Graduating was a huge moment in my life. I took it as a big opportunity to try to figure out who I am. Silly me forgot that there’s the me that I can make myself, and there’s the me that God wants to make me. So in finding myself, I think I lost myself.
Last year I literally prayed the words, “God, whatever calling you have on my life, take it away right now because it’s too much.”
It was too much because growing up, anytime I hit a rough season in my life, people would tell me how God is going to use it to help others. And they would say, “oh, you’re going through this for a reason.”
I grew, so tired.
I just wanted a normal life.
One that had some kind of routine, one that didn’t make me feel different.
At the begging of last year I felt like my life could go one of two ways, and neither one was necessarily wrong. Looking back, I feel like God was being gracious, and letting me feel like I was making my grown-up choices, but He was still guiding me.
Because, I genuinely have never felt like I am doing what I should be doing. I have such a peace about school, and my major. (Just trying not to lose sight of why I feel like I was called to do what I am doing now!)
I’ve had months of praying, and telling God I’m sorry, and asking Him to re-direct me if (I most likely have) made any wrong choices.
And I asked Him to bring me back to the life he has for me.
Because without God…life sucks. I haven’t blogged because I have literally had no passion, and pretty much zero creativity. I blame being drained because I pushed myself too much in music through highschool and needed a break, but now I mostly blame not pursuing God.
God is the reason I am who I am. He’s the reason I have the abilities to do what I do. And I recognize and admit, that I have been selfish and scared.
I didn’t want God to take away what I wanted. I didn’t want to pray because I didn’t want that stirring in my heart to move me from where I had gotten comfortable. It wasn’t that I lacked faith or stopped believing in the Lord and that He can do extraordinary things. I have never loved the Lord more in my life, I was just in-wanting of something new.
But all the while, I should be pursuing and craving what God has for me.
I stopped talking about God, because I had nothing to talk about. Turns out you become a really terrible faith-blogger if you’re not growing in your faith (ha, who knew?)
All through highschool, I feel like I was definitely growing some momentum and building a lovely platform with some followers who have been with me now for like 2 years (WHAT?) but they were following my twitter and Instagram because of my faith, not because of me. And I totally took it for granted, I totally forgot the real reason I was doing what I was doing.
I wanted to use my platform for other things, and it didn’t work out. It’s been a humbling year, realizing how much of my life only exists because of God.
And I hope and pray, that from this moment on, I never forget that.
I think every believer goes through seasons of trying to make it on their own, they just get to ashamed to talk about it. So I’m being so blunt and honest, and for months I didn’t want to say it. But there, I said it.
If you’re going through the same things, I promise you that God is still waiting for you.
It’s ok to admit you’re wrong, and learn from life.
So yeah, I think I’m doing better now. It’s just a process of learning how to fit faith into real-life. Hello, new-season-of-life-that-is-harder-than-I-thought-it-would-be.
Yeah, you have to let A LOT go. In October I wrote myself a note that said, “be more vulnerable with God.” And those words have haunted me because it’s scary to trust God like that. Trust me, I have placed so many things in God’s hands and He never gives it back. But I 100% promise, He truly has better things in store for you than you can imagine. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it.
“Oh, satisfy us early with Your mercy,
That we may rejoice and be glad all our days!
Make us glad according to the days in which You have afflicted us,
The years in which we have seen evil.
Let Your work appear to Your servants,
And Your glory to their children.
And let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us,
And establish the work of our hands for us;
Yes, establish the work of our hands.”